i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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