I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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