life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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