dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
