I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
you never un-have a 4some
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
