Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
