I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
