To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
