Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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