I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
