he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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