If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
