Yo dont text me then not text me
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
