My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
