you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
