If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Randomize
