You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
