I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
