How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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