I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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