I think I won the penis lottery.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
