The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
