i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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