I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Help me help you realize you are a moron
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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