I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
How's work?
Spinning.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize