im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
did i walk over a car last night?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
