Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
