wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
