I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
