just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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