I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
