Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
