I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
