I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
