you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
