Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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