I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
