i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
