i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
