we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize