Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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