I CAN MOONWALK!
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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