Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize