just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
