i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
