I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
