Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
