I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
