Got a toothbrush?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
