the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I want her autograph on my taint
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
