i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
