Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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