Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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