I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
