Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
