Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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