I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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