i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
